Surreal-ness

I often feel like I imagine my past or maybe even my life. It all seems so surreal. Like things I’ve done or that have happened long ago or even just recently didn’t actually happen..like it’s some sort of dream. Being in school often feels dream-like. Am I actually here? Going to NB this past summer. Did it really happen? I have to actually stop and think about it just to make sure. All of my past “issues”. Do they actually exist? Did I really defile and devalue myself in those ways? Or is it some twisted thing I simply fashioned? Is it reality? Did I really stand up to that group of people for something I strongly believe in? Did that actually happen? Did I really love that person or did I just create those feelings? Did I actually work for a church? Me!? Really? Did my aunt really lose all her hair from chemo? Did my sister just have surgery to remove cancer? Is my Mom really sick? Am I?
Reality is an interesting concept..I'm so used to pretending things just don't exist that I almost convince myself that they don't. I don't become numb to things, they just simply don't exist...until one day when another non-existent issue comes up and I can't hide anymore. I can no longer pretend. I can not disregard or even simply accept things..I have to face them..and things just come out..but only until I can find a "new lid" to bottle them all in again..
Healthy? Probably not.
Yeah, that just got really personal, really quickly..but I'm going to post it anyways.
See Something in common with this and the letters Chantal? Reoccurring issue? Maybe lol